Dear Sir and/or Madam, It's been far too long...

The last time I wrote on this blog was the same day as my roommate's birthday. This was in the summer, it is no blistering cold (to a native New Yorker's standpoint). I will not bother write to you what has happened in the past six months of my life, as it is (more likely than not) none of your concern. I will, however, relieve you of your curiosity (you always have to know everything about strangers, don't you?) and tell you I have left my former place of employment, freelancing on websites, and living off of money I have saved for the past year (I never realized how long it took to make money and how quickly it took to melt out of your savings account). All in all, my happiness has increased instead of decrease, and without any form of justification, I hope and pray that 2010 will be a year of growth, sharing, and learning.

When the shit hits the fan, get the hell out of the ladies room!

I've realized two things about the female species 1. We take an undesired situation, manipulated it using the facts given (lets not even go into assumptions...), and fold, punch, kick, scream, beat it up until it (sort of) fits the mold we want the situation to resemble. 2. We over analyze everything. Even if we act like we aren't, our under analyzing actually results in over analyzing.

I would like to see myself as .. an exception of this? I've learned the importance of stopping. Looking at the situation. Think about what's going on. Choose the best possible option that will cause the least amount of negative affliction. Then going in that direction. 2. I am the 'under analyzer.' I speak mainly from experience with my reaction to the opposite sex.

I'm cool, I'm independent, I don't need a male companion in my life. This is only how I externally express myself. Inside, I'm just as bad as the over analyzer, in that, I over analyze about under analyzing. Is there something wrong with me that I don't care he hasn't messaged me in a few days? What if I DO like him and i just don't know it. Will I mess up my chances of a good thing? No, I dont care about it.. or do I just not care about it because everyone expects me to care about it and I need to continue to be this 'cool' person, so I will buy into that and I will continue to 'not care.' It all gets confusing, repetitious and excessive.

Above all the guy stuff, there is one thing that is my main priority, my skin. Its flared upi pretty bad, and I'm doing everything I can to help control it. I don't believe in a god, or a supreme being, but I do believe in Fate and Karma and things like that. I believe the flare up in my skin is.. not so much teaching me a lesson, but is giving me the opportunity to realize how important clear skin, as well as maintaining a proper diet and exercise, and heck just taking care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally is. Its SO important. Its all we have to maintain who we are! Lets put GOOD things into our body! Lets stop saying.. one more cookie.. cause lets face it, as long as there are still cookies in the jar.. it wont be your last. You need to stop, look at the situation and keep walking, past the cookies, past the cakes, cupcakes, processed meat, sugary granola, fat, butter, and go straight to those vegetables and fruits.

And now, it is very past my bedtime. I will write more tomorrow, during my very slow day.

Jenn

Honesty

"I want to be completely honest with myself" is the first line I now write before jotting down any personal feelings I need to release onto paper. I've found that even in these entries, I was still hiding behind the morals of "good" and "bad." I don't write about specific events of the day, but rather my annoyance with people around me and what currently makes me unhappy in life. I'm more or less a happy person, but I can't say I 100 agree with a lot of things that goes around me. I observe and I reflect. Its a simple thing to help understand who I am as a person. For the past 5 years I believe I have been somewhat stripped of who I was. I'm not saying I regret the past 5 years, I'm just saying there was a lot of things I changed about myself since I had to compromise to make someone else happy.

"Finding" who I am is important to me. I have a nasty tendency to let people influence me too easily. I am very aware of this, and its not something I am necessarily proud of. So how do I not let that happen? I *think* its by not being with the same people constantly, and doing the same things. This weekend I went out of my comfort zone, going to two small intimate parties where I knew only a few people. I was amazed at how friendly everyone was. No one was overly 'clique-ish" and no one judged. They were both relaxed and fun environments. It was, in essence, "chill." Of course I didn't make best friends with anyone, maybe a facebook friend at the most, but it was wonderful having conversation with new people and experiencing (a small amount of) diversity.

I don't believe in astrology very much (How can you pinpoint the day when a beautiful stranger randomly asks you out on a date?) but I think there are SOME truths that correlate with your astrology sign and personal traits (or atleast thats what I want to believe for the time being). Aries are fire signs. This means they are 'fiery' full of energy, like to push the envelope. If you know me, you know I am far from that. I am a little more timid, and reserved than how Aries are traditionally described. But again! I must not forget that I did suppress a lot of who I am for the past 5 years. So, I am trying to achieve this. I can say with confidence that I would really like to be that person. When faced with the questions "Would you rather be famous or rich?" Aries tend to say famous. Being rich is just a side thing, but having people know who you are, and being somewhat on top of your game, is a lot attractive. I couldn't agree with that more.

So what makes a person who they are? I think when faced with a decision, I really need to pause, take a step back, look at the entirety of the whole situation and make the appropriate decision. I don't make impulsive decisions, but I don't make the 'right' ones concerning my personal needs. I am always thinking about the other person and what they may think of me, I'm just too conscious of it.

These are things I need to work on and I believe I am slowly, yet surely getting to this point. I need to put myself out there, do my best, but be prepared for all that happens, negative or positive.

Jenn

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town And kiss you on the mouth

Do people even read this thing? Friday afternoon, no bosses, no work. Listening to Pandora.

And so, here I am. Head dizzy, throat scratchy, eyes sleep deprived, lips happy. For the past several weeks, I can't remember the last time I left work at 6 PM, or even 7 PM. This week was no exception. Monday Nola Pictures kept its doors open until 9:30 PM, Tuesday, 8:00. After much patience, I was told the most wonderful news that I'd be able to go home today at a decent hour. And, today, from the horse's mouth herself, I have been told the office will have to be open until 9:30 again. This makes me head more dizzy, my throat more scratchy, my eyes more sleep deprived and my lips less happy. In what little time I have available at home, I am sleeping. This crazy schedule has made it so I haven't had a proper dinner in 3 days. For two reasons, really. 1) I have no food in the house. By the time I get out, the local grocery store sealed shut. How does one eat when they get out after all the stores close? 2) By the time I cross the threshold of my apartment, I violently throw off my jacked and outerwear attire to faintly fall into my bed. From there, I sleep, for as well as I can, only to arise the next morning and repeat.

Oh yeah, I have not been sleeping well. Between the cat (who is smart enough to get into my room unless I create some sort of contraption including two doors and a blowdryer) and my wonderful roommate Sarah (who enjoys her morning conversations and leisure time), I am awaken too early to function. I am also one of those people who cannot fall back asleep upon many distractions. In the past, I have been lucky enough to be woken up, turn over and fall back asleep. Now, my head is swollen with thoughts. what ifs, and all around excitement. I miss my sleep. I miss my sleep very very much. If you see it, please return it to me at this address...

My weekends (and some of my weekdays) have been filled with good company, strange feelings, and alcohol. Living in Williamsburg BK, I find it nearly impossibly to stay inside much. This weekend will be good. I'm not sure if Jake will be here or not, but Sarah, as well as some of my other weekenders, will be gone, so I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend of food and Adobe CS3. Maybe I'll venture back to the origin and get my PS2 and expresso machine. I've been yearning for these two items since I moved in. I am a coffee junkie and a 10 year old boy at heart. Actually, I don't play many video games, but I love watching people play, or learning stories as they unravel. (Needless to say, I'm a RPG fanatic... mostly Final Fantasy).

Maybe this weekend I will work on my 8-bit music and Harmonica playing. Well, we will just have to wait to find out what happens. This is how I do things now. I wait. If something happens, cool, if not, well, there will be another time.

Jenn

WHAT THE HELL?

For the past couple of days I've been diagnosed with a gum infection (the actual name of it begins with a P and has to many syllables for one to remember). At first my gums swelled a little bit, no big deal it happens now and then. The next day they swelled even more, to the point I could bearly open my mouth. The lymph node in my neck was super swollen (you didn't even need to press dwon on it for it to throb), and my cheek and tongue were swollen (in the same area). At the time I had no idea what it was, toochache, infection, a quick growing tumor in my gum (??). The next day I sucked it up and went to the doctor (after fining out my inssurance kicked in). Great Times! Gum infection, and a really annoying call to the dentist I havn't seen in a very long time.
To make a long story short, I've been taking antibiotics for the past 3 days and the swelling has gone down a little bit. My throat doesn't hurt when I swallow, my tongue and cheek are no longer swollen and I'm able to open my mouth about an inch and a half. But I think it will be alright.

Tonight I'm going to see a hipster band play (Matt and Kim) a few blocks from my place and I'm happy about that. Lets just hope jake is up and my mouth doesn't feel like its imploding. Yikes!

I'll take pictures and upload them.

Thats about it for now.
...Back to work!

Self Medication/ Self Desire.

I've realized I have this nasty habit of complaining about not being creative since I left school and started a full time job. I've also realized I had a nastier habit of starting projects (to make myself believe my first habit is untrue) and never completing them. I stop a few strokes in, get bored since it doesn't look exactly like I'd like it to and move on to something else. Not very creative in my opinion. I currently have 7 projects, a few further along than others.

Now its not like I don't have time, I do. Just like I DO have time to call me grandparents, my mom, my dad, my brother. I tend to make excuses that cover up the previous excuse, sort of like how people pay off credit cards with other credit cards. Same thing, but instead it is in my head. I know I can make something substantial (otherwise what was the point of ever going to an expensive liberal arts school?), I just find an excuse not to, so I wont become a failure? But if I were to take my own advice, that would be not attempting is failing to begin with.

I was talking to jake the other day (after having a horrible day because nothing seemed to go my way) and it was the first time I verbalized my lack of excitement. I've been playing things safe my whole life. I always took extra classes/internships directly relating to the arts (something I want to pursue, one way or another), I got a job ( in a relatively short period of time) in the film world, I didn't take a semester off of school to study abroad. Everything I've done has been by the books. Now, of course there is nothing wrong with that, not at all. Getting a job in the field I want to be in is fantastic, a lot luckier than other people. But, I always wonder what it would be like to have that mentality of doing whatever comes my way instead of actively pursuing it. What if I did some odd job like be a bartender at an upscale bar, or work retail at American Apparel? What if I was a photography assistant, tutored people in Photoshop or Final Cut Pro. I'd have an unstable work life, but time to do things that were important to me.

After the social shock of leaving college, this is what I miss the most: the ability, time, guidance, and encouragement to work on my art. As I grow farther and farther away from my college career I find that my enthusiasm is going away with it. I'm not used to the monotonous work fashion; sitting at my desk, complaining when I don't have enough work, complaining when I have too much work, not having a life after work since my hours are unpredictable.

I started to feel sorry for myself last night. My roommate's boyfriend was over with a band member and they were about to go 'play some beats' around 9 or 10. In my mentality, I'd think that would be a bad idea since I have work the next day. But at that moment I felt a bit envious, not of my roommates boyfriend, but at the idea of leaving the apartment after 9; having a life OUTSIDE of work. I suppose I have 2 reasons for not enjoying my after work hours, I'm developing a nasty sore throat (lets hope its not strep... again..) and the weather couldn't be shittier. (really, when it is 20 degrees out it deters you from doing many outside activities.) What I need to remember is, as long as I'm able to function at work the next day.. does it really matter what do of the week I decide to get some drinks or spend in my room rotoscoping? Its a very simple idea. I'm not a spontaneous person, I like to plan things ahead of time, I like to know the prices before I buy, I make rational decisions and always think of consequences.

It is time to step it up, work, and have fun. I'm lacking in the fun part.

Ok work time.. !