Honesty

"I want to be completely honest with myself" is the first line I now write before jotting down any personal feelings I need to release onto paper. I've found that even in these entries, I was still hiding behind the morals of "good" and "bad." I don't write about specific events of the day, but rather my annoyance with people around me and what currently makes me unhappy in life. I'm more or less a happy person, but I can't say I 100 agree with a lot of things that goes around me. I observe and I reflect. Its a simple thing to help understand who I am as a person. For the past 5 years I believe I have been somewhat stripped of who I was. I'm not saying I regret the past 5 years, I'm just saying there was a lot of things I changed about myself since I had to compromise to make someone else happy.

"Finding" who I am is important to me. I have a nasty tendency to let people influence me too easily. I am very aware of this, and its not something I am necessarily proud of. So how do I not let that happen? I *think* its by not being with the same people constantly, and doing the same things. This weekend I went out of my comfort zone, going to two small intimate parties where I knew only a few people. I was amazed at how friendly everyone was. No one was overly 'clique-ish" and no one judged. They were both relaxed and fun environments. It was, in essence, "chill." Of course I didn't make best friends with anyone, maybe a facebook friend at the most, but it was wonderful having conversation with new people and experiencing (a small amount of) diversity.

I don't believe in astrology very much (How can you pinpoint the day when a beautiful stranger randomly asks you out on a date?) but I think there are SOME truths that correlate with your astrology sign and personal traits (or atleast thats what I want to believe for the time being). Aries are fire signs. This means they are 'fiery' full of energy, like to push the envelope. If you know me, you know I am far from that. I am a little more timid, and reserved than how Aries are traditionally described. But again! I must not forget that I did suppress a lot of who I am for the past 5 years. So, I am trying to achieve this. I can say with confidence that I would really like to be that person. When faced with the questions "Would you rather be famous or rich?" Aries tend to say famous. Being rich is just a side thing, but having people know who you are, and being somewhat on top of your game, is a lot attractive. I couldn't agree with that more.

So what makes a person who they are? I think when faced with a decision, I really need to pause, take a step back, look at the entirety of the whole situation and make the appropriate decision. I don't make impulsive decisions, but I don't make the 'right' ones concerning my personal needs. I am always thinking about the other person and what they may think of me, I'm just too conscious of it.

These are things I need to work on and I believe I am slowly, yet surely getting to this point. I need to put myself out there, do my best, but be prepared for all that happens, negative or positive.

Jenn