Self Medication/ Self Desire.

I've realized I have this nasty habit of complaining about not being creative since I left school and started a full time job. I've also realized I had a nastier habit of starting projects (to make myself believe my first habit is untrue) and never completing them. I stop a few strokes in, get bored since it doesn't look exactly like I'd like it to and move on to something else. Not very creative in my opinion. I currently have 7 projects, a few further along than others.

Now its not like I don't have time, I do. Just like I DO have time to call me grandparents, my mom, my dad, my brother. I tend to make excuses that cover up the previous excuse, sort of like how people pay off credit cards with other credit cards. Same thing, but instead it is in my head. I know I can make something substantial (otherwise what was the point of ever going to an expensive liberal arts school?), I just find an excuse not to, so I wont become a failure? But if I were to take my own advice, that would be not attempting is failing to begin with.

I was talking to jake the other day (after having a horrible day because nothing seemed to go my way) and it was the first time I verbalized my lack of excitement. I've been playing things safe my whole life. I always took extra classes/internships directly relating to the arts (something I want to pursue, one way or another), I got a job ( in a relatively short period of time) in the film world, I didn't take a semester off of school to study abroad. Everything I've done has been by the books. Now, of course there is nothing wrong with that, not at all. Getting a job in the field I want to be in is fantastic, a lot luckier than other people. But, I always wonder what it would be like to have that mentality of doing whatever comes my way instead of actively pursuing it. What if I did some odd job like be a bartender at an upscale bar, or work retail at American Apparel? What if I was a photography assistant, tutored people in Photoshop or Final Cut Pro. I'd have an unstable work life, but time to do things that were important to me.

After the social shock of leaving college, this is what I miss the most: the ability, time, guidance, and encouragement to work on my art. As I grow farther and farther away from my college career I find that my enthusiasm is going away with it. I'm not used to the monotonous work fashion; sitting at my desk, complaining when I don't have enough work, complaining when I have too much work, not having a life after work since my hours are unpredictable.

I started to feel sorry for myself last night. My roommate's boyfriend was over with a band member and they were about to go 'play some beats' around 9 or 10. In my mentality, I'd think that would be a bad idea since I have work the next day. But at that moment I felt a bit envious, not of my roommates boyfriend, but at the idea of leaving the apartment after 9; having a life OUTSIDE of work. I suppose I have 2 reasons for not enjoying my after work hours, I'm developing a nasty sore throat (lets hope its not strep... again..) and the weather couldn't be shittier. (really, when it is 20 degrees out it deters you from doing many outside activities.) What I need to remember is, as long as I'm able to function at work the next day.. does it really matter what do of the week I decide to get some drinks or spend in my room rotoscoping? Its a very simple idea. I'm not a spontaneous person, I like to plan things ahead of time, I like to know the prices before I buy, I make rational decisions and always think of consequences.

It is time to step it up, work, and have fun. I'm lacking in the fun part.

Ok work time.. !